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Steven Wright on ... Whatever
I picked up a hitch-hiker the other day. After he got in I didn't say anything for a long time, until I could see he was getting scared. Then I said, "Hold on, I want to try something. I saw it in a cartoon, but I'm almost sure I can do it."
I went into a clothing store the other day and a salesman walked up to me and said, "Can I help you?" And I said, "Yeah, do you got anything I like?" He said, "What do you mean do we have anything you like?" I said, "You started this." He said, "Okay, what size?" I said, "Extra medium."
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. And I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"
I put Instant Coffee in a Microwave and almost went back in time.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station...
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?
I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one... It wasn't doing what I was doing.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, do the other trees make fun of it?
I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me -- and I didn't hear it.
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.
I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.
I went to the neighbors' and asked to borrow a cup of salt. They said, "What are you making?" I said, "A salt lick."
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
There aren't enough days in the weekend.
My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors.
The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.
Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.
The sky is falling...no, I'm tipping over backwards.
Droughts are because god didn't pay his water bill.
Is "tired old cliche" one?
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?
It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows.
I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people appear bright until they say something?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
At the end of Asian weddings, do they throw hamburgers?
Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, 'Give me two boys and a girl'.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95.
I've never seen electricity, so I don't pay for it. I write right on the bill, 'I'm sorry, I haven't seen it all month.'
Why is it, 'A penny for your thoughts,' but, you have to 'put your two cents' in? Somebody's making a penny.
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‘Did you sleep well?' I said, 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Dancing is a vertical expression of a horizontal desire.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'Help Wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'Self Service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
On the other hand ... You have different fingers.
If the pen is mightier than the sword, then in a duel I'll let you have the pen!
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room temperature.
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work.
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time.
It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
How young can you die of old age?
I went to a restaurant that serves 'Breakfast at any time'.
So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "Pet supplies." So I did.
Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "Compact cars" ...
I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately. Extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.
My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York.
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, "Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. I also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... Perhaps you've seen it.
One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had been done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.
I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology...The study of milkmen.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is?
Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.
How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests.
If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...
I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"
I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.
I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around.
I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
While I was out, somebody took all my stuff and replaced it with exact replicas. I told my roommate, and he said: "Who are you?"
I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall in my apartment, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I say, "Go ahead, touch it ... It feels real, doesn't it?"
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Why are there five syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
When a jar is open, is it a door?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest,
but he always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.
An officer stopped me and said I was doing more than 55 miles per hour. I said, "I've only been driving for 15 minutes."
I have two very rare photographs. One is of Houdini, locking his keys in his car. The other is of Norman Rockwell, beating up a child.
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building ... on the ledge.
Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes".
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
The early bird gets the worm, but the late mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum.
I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.
A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."
I had my coathangers spayed.
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."
All the plants in my house are dead -- I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm eight I'll be over a hundred.
It's a fine night to have an evening.
Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
I can't stop thinking like this.
This isn't all true.
You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.
I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.
I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.
What are imitation rhinestones?
If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
I wrote a few children's books ... not on purpose.
I bought my brother some gift wrap for Christmas.
I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different pattern so he'd know when to stop unwrapping.
Next week I'm moving to Mars, so if you have any boxes ...
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here'.
Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
If "con" is the opposite of "pro", what is the opposite of progress?
Why is it that lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
Do married people live longer than single people or does it just seem longer?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I feel like I've forgotten this before.
When I die, I'm donating my body to science fiction.
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, 'Cut it out'.
I filled out an application that said, 'In Case Of Emergency Notify...' I wrote 'Doctor'... What's my mother going to do?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
So what's the speed of dark?
How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them?
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out...
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... when I came back the entire area was missing...
I have a switch in my apartment... it doesn't do anything.... Every once in a while, I turn it on and off.... One day I got a call... it was from a woman in France.... She said "Cut it out"....
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I invented the cordless extension cord
A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, 'Why were you going so fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it'
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said "Didn't you see the stop sign." I said "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.
My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.
When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
I spilled Spot Remover on my dog... Now he's gone.
While I was gone, somebody rearranged all the furniture in my apartment, then they put everything back exactly where they found it. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?
I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body only 2" taller.
I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.
I woke up this morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called information. She said they were behind the couch. She was right.
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 50 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms. I said, "What do you need?"
I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
So, do you live around here often?
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids, I got a toy subway instead; you couldn't see anything but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy...
I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.
I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly]... and says "Here, you can go."
My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912 ... well, to make a long story short ...
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish, I turned it on and went to sleep, the record got stuck, the next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
I bought a dog the other day ... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him ... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?